Even The Dog Doesn't Let Me Eat In Peace!

Movie on 7 27 15 at 5 37 PM

Hero to Zero

Today the person who is responsible for providing income to this household decided to leave the house without a certain tool that is need for her to successfully complete her daily requirements for her job.  Yes the Champion of my heart left her computer at home.  THE COMPUTER!!!!! The only thing that is more important to her job than that marvel of modern technology is the fact that she needs to be alive to operate said computer.  So Bride calls me and asks "Hey can you bring me my computer?"  I respond with "yes, be there in twenty".  Load up a child because the other is in school and away we go.

The trip to "Responsible Workers" place of employment is about 20 minutes.  The ride was going oh so well until 1990's Sensitive Pony Tail guy in a jeep wrangler happily wanders his commuting vessel into my lane without checking, trying to exit the freeway.  I decided that a fair game of "Joey Decides When You Get Off This Road" shall take place.  After me leading the game with a score of two missed exit attempts he realized that he is not playing an amateur but a 4 year letter winner.   He flips me off out the side of his no door, no top, Fergie coming out of the speakers SUV.  All windows in my car are down and with the kid in back I reply "YOU CAN'T LEAVE UNLESS YOU FALL IN LINE FUCK FACE!!".  Now I understand that what I said wasn't the most manly, hardcore, or intimidating thing but what came out of my Daughter's mouth ruined this man's week.  My sweet little girl of age 4 screamed "NO WAY FUCK FACE!!" The look on this guys face was fantastic.  I would be willing to bet that Fergie was replace with some Crash Test Dummies to sooth his wounded spirit.  He slowed and exited behind me.  CHAMPION ONCE AGAIN!!!

With 10 minutes left in the trip I was filled with many emotions. I thought,  "Holy hell her Mom is gonna be pissed". Great not only does this kid have no racial barrier (Come on kid!!) but she is not gonna be the kid who backs down from a challenge.  Also this kid can't keep her mouth shut so I am now stuck with the decision of when do I come clean about our Daughter using profanity (correctly)?  I get to Boss Lady's building and hand over the tool necessary for her to continue to have employment.  All of her co workers walk up to say hi to the kid because a child is a great reason to stop working.  BOOM!! here is my opportunity, people love hearing about a swearing 4 year old, and with so many people there is no way My Spouse can be mad at me.  Story told, co workers laugh, Red Head play laughs.  This evening should be interesting.

Have a great day folks.  Get Laid!!!

Damn!

This is me trying to out smart my boss by hiding in the bathroom to get out of blowdrying my kids hair.  She totally out smarted me by having the girls pick up their room.  I have been in the bathroom for fifteen minutes now.  I have in this order, flexed in the mirror for about 3 minutes, did 5 reps of 1 minute long planks, picked at my face, flossed my teeth, and actually went to the bathroom.  I am now writing this post while baking in my own smell of post dinner glory.  My bluff has been called and my boss has once again proved why she is the champion of this house hold.  Funny part of this story is that my stupid shit dog decided to follow me in here not knowing that I was attempting to dodge my nightly chore.

Sorry pal

Have a great night.  I am going to admit my defeat.  GET LAID!

Doctor's Note

As some are aware there was and is a small revolution of human beings that are not vaccinating their children.  This is not an opinion post where I tell people they are wrong or right.  I am not a doctor.  My medical knowledge is very limited.  I am the guy that always says things are fine when clearly they are not.  Hell I am convinced that the ever so coveted G-Spot does not stay in the same place because I like most men never get the same reaction twice in a month when it is located.  But this isn't a sex piece.  This is a story of how the recent measles outbreak here in my beloved Orange County affected my Monday.

Saturday and Sunday were awesome here on the west coast.  Awesome weather, good surf, lots of sun.  This family of four spent both those days out doors.  We watched a surf contest on Saturday then did a beach trail hike on Sunday.  Since my children have half ginger running through their veins sunblock is mandatory, even at night.  The youngest of my kids had a little reaction to the brand that we put on her face.  When I say little reaction I mean this kid looked like Frankie Coffee Cake from A Bronx Tale.

She was not to happy.  But it was clearly an allergic reaction to something in that sunblock.  

Monday rolls around and as we are getting ready for school my child's face wasn't near as red as it was the previous day but still had some pink and texture going on.  Boss lady said the dreaded words "should we take her in?"  The loaded words that are not only comment of concern for our offspring but another opportunity for her to tally up another correct call.  I said with a bunch of Man Attitude "No we know what it is" all the while I was praying to Christ that it better be that fucking sun block that caused this.  Not only for my kids health but I am on a 3 week drought on not being right.  In fact I just got a letter in my locker saying that I am going to be sent down to the Minors of Marriage where I will no longer have an opinion and other men there talk about the oral they once got.  Not a great place to be after ten years of marriage.

We get to school, drop the oldest off, and make our way to the classroom of the one who has a diagram of the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range on her face.  Not kidding my fellow readers but the teacher saw from across the room my kids face and said the words directly from Tommy Boy "Jesus what happened to her face?"  I doubt she said the lords name but hell we men hear what we want, so for the sake of the story she said it.  I told her my diagnosis, she smiled and said ok.  I left.

Not an hour later I get the phone call from the school nurse saying that I need to take my kid to the doctor and get a note saying that she didn't have the measles.  Now this is where the epidemic is pissing me off.  I know she didn't have it but because of what happens at Disneyland affects the world I live in I have to drive to the Drs office, sit in a room just to have the doctor say she doesn't have it, have him sign a little slip, drive back to school and go through the process of leaving a preschooler again.  Leaving a preschool aged kid at school twice is hell.  The tears come and so does the Wiener Schnitzel antenna topper Leg Grab.  I was able to pry my leg free and made a mad dash for the door while my kid gave chase looking like a zombie from AMC's Walking Dead (love that show).  

I waited til I got back to my car to make the call to the boss lady to tell her how my morning went.  She laughed and said "probably should have taken her in."  I stood my ground and said that it was not that I wasn't wrong but she was more right. 

 So I still have an opinion and my kid doesn't have the measles.  Get Laid!

  

  

Streak Snapped

This is a true story.  My reign of 34 years lice free has come to an end.  Yes readers I along with my spawn and the other human that is half responsible for this family managed to have those little shits latch on to our domes.  Here is our story along with some facts.

Not two hours into my freedom, which is what I call the time when the kids and the Scarlet Temptress  are out of my house I get a phone call from the school.  I greet the person calling figuring that one or both children are sick with basic formality.  It is the youngest's teacher, and her reply to me is "Mr. Evano I have bad news".  Now I can tell by her tone that it is nothing major but I say back "Is everyone alive?" (joking tone engaged).  She comes back at me with "your daughter has lice."  I say back "SON OF A BITCH MRS. Teacher!"  and hang up.  Right then my head started to itch just thinking about it.

 I get to the school, walk into the preschool area where my youngest is. She is sitting with one of her teachers waiting for me.  My sweet girl ran at me to give a hug with so much excitement to see her beloved father and I responded to this adorable loving moment by giving her my best Heisman Trophy pose and stuck my hand on her neck because for all I know she is patient zero.  We say goodbye at a distance to all classmates and teachers and make our way to the main school office and sign out the oldest because I am sure that if one of these dipshits have the bugs then they both do.

After both kids are retrieved I decide this is a good time to call the Boss.  I tell her the blessed news and she should probably pack her things and get home.  I could tell by the stress in her voice that she too started digging at her scalp at just the thought of our infestation as she is giving me instructions on what to clean.  I put the gas can and matches back and went to work.  All the sheets and blankets were put in trash bags.  When the employed one got home we make the decision to go to a professional to remedy our problem.  This plan is formed because this relieves any possibility of either one of the adults blaming the other if it doesn't work.  "Did you read the instructions?" is something I hate hearing and the other adult in our house loves saying.  With the recommendation from some friends that were recently gifted these little bastards we made an appointment to go visit Picky Pam at the Beach www.LiceFreeKids.com .

The entire ride over there was one of me having one hand on the wheel and the other digging at my skull. I maintained that I was lice free and everyone else was living like refugees.  When we got to our destination Pam a super sweet lady offered us beverages both adult and children's and they went to brushing our hair.  Not two strokes by Pam and her weapon of lice destruction informed me that I have it too.  And so did the person sharing my last name that is a year younger than I.  Yes all four of us had lice.    2 Hours later we were clear of our new found head guests that have been sucking on my blood filled with the love of the New York Jets, cheap beer, and impure thoughts.

We return home and the cleansing process continues.  Per our new friend Pam's instructions the bedding and cloths went into the wash but more importantly the dryer. These pricks die when put in the dryer on high for 30 minutes.  All our brushes were put into ziplock bags and put in the freezer over night, fuckers hate cold too.  And the Boss lady and I took three showers that night so at least I got to touch a boob but apparently recently having lice doesn't exactly get her in the "mood" so my advances were halted quickly by her swift Ric Flair slap on my wet chest.

This is our lice story.  Those of you that have had them know the horror.  Those who haven't good for you.  I guess our saying for now is "Familys that have lice together, stay together.  GET LAID! 

  

  

Loyalty Tested

Today I had a moment of weakness and decided to say yes to the oldest when she asked "can I watch your phone and have a snack upstairs?"  The snack she chose was a large box of nerds.  I inform her that we can both get in deep shit if Mother Iron Fist catches us.  I knew that my cover would be blown when spawntard opened the Nerds box like a otter ripping open a clam launched hundreds of assorted red, green, and white diabetes rocks into the sky and all over the new carpet.  I thought that I picked up all the evidence.  When Little Miss Johny Cochoran got home and went upstairs she spotted something that wasn't there in the morning.  She spotted the candy.  How the hell did she find the one fucking nerd!?  But what angers me most is that when my boss lady asked the kids who ate candy upstairs? My oldest responded with "Me, I was watching daddy's phone eating a snack upstairs.  You are not supposed to know because daddy told me so."  I hung my head in shame. Not because I got caught but because my kid doesn't understand the meaning of the word secret.  I really need to work on honesty.  

We can't keep shit from Mom!  Get Laid!